"JOKES_001": Just some funny thoughts (not directed at anybody in particular) ============================================================================= * Lessons of gravity are painful, but at least we wake up on the same planet every morning. * Movies cannot possibly be for real because human life is longer than 3 hours. * Don't work too hard, you might need to work harder to undo your own effort. * Think well before you glue something and don't forget your fingers. * Dance is a body language: don't swear! * Animals have tails so they can give directions. * In tight pants still leave room for imagination, who knows what you might imagine. * I like to listen to dumb people by the end of every day: they clear and reset (reboot) my brain. There are many good TV channels for that. * Reality TV is easy to make: faking by non-professionals. Why don't they also include the jokers behind the camera? * Everything leaves marks on the white color: it is not even a color, it's a vacuum of colors (ironically made of all the rainbow colors). * I hear dead people ... In my MP3 player full of oldies from the fifties. * Religious education is when you study religiously. * Buffalo wings can also make you fat. That is why buffaloes don't fly. * Giving your cat an offer she can't refuse: an Animal Channel show about birds in HDTV. * I only buy things that have a useful purpose, if I have room, when I have money, when I have time, unless I am compelled by advertisement. * It would be interesting to study human nature by counting all the good words vs. all the bad words on the Internet. Of course, some bad words are loving and some good words are insincere. * Due to the higher cost of local Oxygen, it will be imported from China. * Annoying sounds for some is music for the others. Spicy music helps to identify and destroy foreign spies. * A sleeping ear still registers the sounds, but the sleeping brain is too busy watching dreams in the Lala land, so there is nobody home to process the sounds. * Even secret agents have to use public restrooms sometimes. * I have so many electro-magnetic _fields_ around me, but no useful property. * Genes mutate every day and night. It's a miracle we wake up as approximately the same species. * To do things differently some memory is needed. * Let's take detailed holographic pictures of all our forests and parks so we can still enjoy them in our virtual reality games after they are gone. * Have you noticed that many organic chemicals also stink?.. But in a noticeably more organic way ... * Life is so precious, but why are there so many poor people around? * Everything is Google-search-able now. That is why I encrypt my thoughts even before I think them. I purposely forgot who has my encryption keys. * My biggest mistake I have done happened when I was doing something else. * The Earth gets showered with tons of space dust every minute. This gives me the space allergy that cannot be helped with the earthly pills. * Don't market your vacuum cleaners to the aliens from the Moon: they live in total vacuum (and lots of dust). * Sun shoots a lot of "star dust" that we observe as Norther Lights and UFOs. IT is time to tax them for the billions of years of pollution. * There are many more bugs than people, but they kept it quiet. If they start producing and selling for export, no country is safe in this economic competition. Start economic de-bugging before we are bugged down. * Iron smells like rust, gold smells expensive. * The best way to forget is to learn something new. * Lifetime students are not judged as harshly as those who decide to teach. * I never stay on the same point of view too long because there are many equally fair dimensions. * Have you noticed, there are more beautiful people when dressed vs. when undressed? * Ordinary people like to see their boring life on TV so they feel more extra-ordinary. * Even in a perfect harmony there are low notes to complete the entire spectrum of the natural sounds. * A crumb of bread cannot feed the crowd, unless cloned. * You can never know about the presence of things you cannot sense. Nobody can explain to you sense you have never had. * All the smart devices and creative solutions we bring are going to be a piece of dust years from now. That's OK: what we eat today gets obsolete even sooner. * I don't recognize things I wrote years ago, and that is normal: it was written by the guy who used to carry my name and my DNA. * Some rural nations eat their horses, but only in the developed nations some people eat their cars (for the Guinness Book of Records). * It's a good thing we get bored easily: that is how we evolved from monkeys. * The outer space is a great refrigerator and insulator: that is how the rest of the Universe is protected from a small stinking planet. * If you kick butts, that means you cowardly attack from behind. * The children of today will control computers that will control us. Be nice to them. * For many years I could not picture myself being in my forties. Luckily, it only lasts for ten years. * Never tell your competitors the name of the game. Only after the competition define the new category where you are the first and the only one. * - Why is it that most of the classic art was created in the previous centuries and not recently? - It is because they had all those centuries to create it while not having TV and the Internet wasting their time? * Internet dating is a more expensive form of Internet gambling. * Internet marriage with virtual children. * There are better things to do if we know better, but if it's better does it matter? * TV can only show what you put in the show, But life of any size contains a big surprise. * Even the typos we make tell something about our unique style. * If living forever, waste of time is mandatory. * "No exotic foods!" -- says the sign in the space station. This is because exotic foods produce spicy farts that cannot be filtered by the on-board life support system. IRONIC: * You can't go wrong ... with getting cookies online (for FREE!). * You can't go wrong ... with buying property in a country that doesn't exist (yet). * You can't go wrong ... with trusting people who send you polite requests to wire your money and multiply them. ** If you still didn't get the triple irony, please turn OFF you computer now! * If people can rule Mother Nature they can even genetically modify and program her. * An expert begins from a passionate love for the profession. This does not apply to love relationships: a passionate love only lowers your love expertise. * My apartment is too cold in winter because of too many Black Holes. I tried closing the Holes, but anything I put over them falls in and disappears. The Black Holes also sucked all the heat waves. * I like walking without a purpose because once I have a purpose I start running to be on time. * All the vacation resorts forget to mention their population of mosquitoes. It is understandable: they categorize the mosquitoes as the wild life. * Tuna - chicken of the sea. Chicken - almost flying almost pig. * Acrobats and athletes show what miracles a human body can perform. We use beer and chips to take it to the next level. * Politicians do not favor space exploration because chances of finding more legal voters in space are too low. * Anger is expensive, only rich people can afford it, but rarely have the reason. * God gave us different tastes and preferences so we don't all stand in the same long line. * Lives of famous people reported on TV often look infamous. That is because only their famous parts should be filmed. * From now on, I will do everything differently: even how write I this too. * Addictions begin from unhealthy thoughts. Addiction to health is also unhealthy. * We can do so much with our lives ... , but it is better to change frequently because at least half of it will be mistakes. * The expert knowledge cannot be refrigerated: it has to be boiled and stirred continuously. * A dot exists without taking any space. A dot must be the secret tunnel into other Worlds. Be the dot to see a lot. * The water is not dirty. It is the dirt who is wet in the process of cleaning. * The Internet will make us closer. That is why I always check my bed for the signs of the hidden Internet. * When management shoves inspiration in me, it tastes like honey made of Vaseline. * Living in a shell causes fights with yourself. Break out of the shell and enjoy the variety of the fights. * Some put appointments with FEAR in their daily schedule, but are too afraid to face it. * My brain only has one processor. When it outputs absurd data, I prefer to consult several wise processors on the outside to fix the bugs by: books, friends, nature, God, and love. * Vampires suck blood, but skip the meat: do they still count as vegetarians? * A state of happiness (just like a sport) takes an effort, but it rewards with long and pleasant life. A state of fear is like the unneeded fat that one is afraid to burn via loud laughing. * Being one is better than zero. Try not to be two: hard to agree. If multiply, stick to odd numbers in case a vote is needed. Don't multiply with zeros, these guys nullify everybody. * I am afraid of "soft" negative words in English: due to the English politeness they mean much worse that it sounds. * Time is running out, but I don't want to kill it. * I don't have any drunk friends because I can never remember when I am drunk. I also don't remember being drunk and my friends don't remember. * Whatever people exhail in developed countries is still quite usable in poor countries. * If nobody wants a visa to your country, may be it is because it is easier to walk in without it, but it is still a great country. * Most maps are made for people who know their coordinates. I need a map for people who are lost. * Some value everything by its practical purpose: a diamond ring should be able to open beer bottles, a nose ring should trim the nose hair, an earring can also be a wireless headphone, etc. * The word for more accessible type of women exists in any language, but the formal access has been denied for centuries. * We hear keywords everywhere, we just don't insert them in the right places. * The Universe is filled with starry fireworks: this is because they all celebrate their 4th of July on different dates. * An observation: When I sit down, my butt is the first body part to take a sit. When get up, my butt is the last to get up. * Don't do things in order of importance: then you screw up the most important thing first. * We are not paid by education, but by the perception of the employer. I think that "The Perception of Employers" subject should be taught before anything else to be successful. Many smart people failed to get paid what they deserve. * A passionate love is like a rechargeable battery: don't short circuit your love to avoid leaks, fires, and explosions. Always keep it in the charger when not in use. * A loud music can reach the core of my brain, but only after shredding the thinking outside. * A little stress keeps one awake and moving. I am not that rich and famous to be eligible for a big stress. * A fashionable dress shows body in a new light, especially the exposed parts. * Don't stay focused too long: blurry things are more beautiful. * Public doesn't know what it wants. Give them something unexpected pretending they thought of it first. * Don't push yourself too hard: you don't have an extra copy. * If you look under a microscope, every place on Earth is taken. * Trees are like Indian arrows shut form space and stuck in the Earth. * Don't improve your productivity too much: once you prove it, you would have to keep up forever. * Water cleans our body and soul. Excess alcohol cleans our blood vessels while dissolving brain. * I try to be nice to dumb people because I can never be sure if I am not one of them. * TV pictures are becoming more realistic. Life outside is becoming more plastic. * On the top of every Internet search results are people who want to sell to me, so I read my search results from the very end first. * Don't burn your time: there is enough pollution in the air already to cause Global Warming. * I don't cry when I am short on salt and water. * I like receiving bulk mail: it provide a never ending supply of shredded paper for my hamster. * Piles of garbage mix many unusual chemicals. It can synthesize new life forms. A we ready to face and smell them? * If you earn your living via a computer, a good computer virus can help you loose weight (... and sleep). * It is fashionable to make business cards out of the products you produce. Some have business cards on eatable cookies, others on a piece of wood, on a circuit board etc., but what can you present if you have a crappy job? * Colors have many shades, music has many nuances, but stink just stinks. That is why it is not an art form. * Tigers are cats that played with growth hormones. Lions also abused wild hormones. * If you are known, you are bound to get a full range of treatments, from all kinds of human kinds. * You would expect that places with high unemployment have higher rate of poets and philosophers, but brain also needs good food. * Photo camera is a time freezer. Video camera is window to a parallel universe. * Conditional politeness becomes obvious after the first "No". * The Universe is expanding at the accelerating rate because the Earth's population is growing geometrically. * The most wasteful thing on vacation is to do nothing. * The most boring thing on vacation is to follow the tourist-prescribed "Program". * The best thing on vacation is to visit those who least expect you and to further surprise them with something you are no supposed to do. * So many people want my money, but I am offended they don't want anything else from me. Am I so empty or are they so blind? * I cannot picture my childhood in zero-gravity. How would I get my directions in life? * Strings or atoms vibrate when become excited (producing waves). Excite yourself regularly to ride on top of the waves of life. * Buy one ad get one free! * We give you a lifetime warranty for this product. If the life of the product ended it does not have our warranty anymore. * Our product is 30% bigger than any product that is 33% smaller. * How to measure the mass of one electron: weigh your rechargeable battery before and after charging, then divide the weight difference by number of electrons pumped into your empty battery. * Everybody's life is a separate TV channel. The life shows happen at the same time. Some play re-runs, some scary movies. The problem is we cannot change the channel of our life. You will stay you. Everything you know about others is what you think. People on your show actually live on other channels (in their own lives). Understanding people is trying to imagine what is happening on other channels. * If wisdom is in the accuracy of statements, the only wise statement is silence. Whatever you say may be used against you in the Court of Truth. * People who do not have questions are scary: they either know nothing, know too much, or don't care. * In countries where people have long names, people have a lot of free time to pronounce them. Now you know why people are so busy in America. * Driving is an indication of limited free time. In countries with less cars people are not so busy. * Stupidity cannot understand itself and agree with its name. * You CAN find a black cat in a dark room if the cat looks at you with its glowing eyes. The art of searching is to know a distinction and make it glow. * We live in our bodies, but we often don't pay the rent. * Health means not having health problems. Health is invisible until it is lost. * Youth is an adolescent disease which disappears with years. * Computer viruses is a proof of concept for future evil robots. * People in the cars and outside the cars act if they came from two different planets. * Every curve under a microscope looks like a straight line. You can always say that you went straight, but for a very short distance. * Cats like cat food. By "cat food" they mean anything they like. * Our bodies are biological computers, are we good bio-programmers? * Screws are very smart: they turn around in order to move forward. * Creators of personal jokes should try them on first. * By being a direct person you would not be able to take turns in life (to avoid collisions). * An honest person always tells the truth, but he has a freedom to decide on WHEN to tell. * Show me one stupid person who knows about his stupidity. Show me one drunk person who agrees that he is drunk. If you find them, I would tell that they are not so stupid or so drunk anymore. * I would like to be rich enough to live well, but not too rich to die for it. * People we like are not necessarily the people we want to be with. * To start writing, I just need a random keyword from an outside. A random word generator could supply my creativity forever. The skill is to listen for random seed words and grow the seeds into something useful. * We believe in brands, but they don't exist without faithful followers. Brands build their churches for worshiping. * Mass media makes standard brainwashing pills for mass consumption. The pills are made for an average brain, so if the mass media makes you through up - you are not the average. * AD: 50% off the original price for any half-priced item. * A superhero is just an ordinary man with superpowers. * Humidity is a ghost of an unborn rain. * Some people buy useless products just to be exclusive owners. * Human bodies are maps, some are globes. * People want to belong to some group. Once in the group, they want to preserve their individuality. * Wise people include learning from their mistakes. Other people learn ONLY from their mistakes. * Be friendly to the friends you know, but try to be friendlier to your friends you don't know. * To confuse your enemies give them a lot of choices. * A salesman is a pre-sale buddy and an after-sale stranger. * Too much food for thought will not make you fat. * You can always buy new software, but you cannot upgrade people. * When monkeys started writing their thoughts they became humans. * Denial of service of this toilet caused a buffer overflow. * - How would I know if things are really bad? - If you are still asking this question, they are not so bad. * Mystery is when somebody was so drunk that he doesn't remember his abduction by aliens. * Mystery is when nothing happens and nobody knows why. * Mystery is when hard-earned money disappear without any hard feelings. * We eat good food, but we always let it go. * You don't have to do anything to become hungry. * On weekends I work the second job of being myself. * Creative is anyone who creates. My cat created a mess the other day, I was impressed. * The Internet is an information-sharing universe, even if you don't want to. * Politicians are like icebergs, it is not known how much they hide below. * Politicians are like comets, they come and go, and come again leaving a bright tail of nothing. * Politicians are like used cars, they come "as is" without warranty, it is hard to trace their previous owners. * I am suspicious of nice people until I know what they are trying to sell me. * Advisory: Read your own books before making other people read them. * Take responsibility, but only yours, respect the other's property. * Shoes are used to disconnect us from Mother Earth. * Alcoholics are better conductors of electricity. They are also more likely to touch open wires. * Skinny people don't necessarily have more skin. * Some people just want to be different. Their uniqueness could be useless, but they get noticed anyway. * Being attractive know what to attract. * To step in unknown waters you need to be standing on known grounds. * How strange that strangers can change to friends just by providing their name and brief background information .... * How strange that every romantic love has to rent an apartment in a hostile Universe ... * How strange that we can use a year only for 12 months ... * In the future people will be flying everywhere because their will be no money left to repair the highways ... * In the future everybody will have a computer. We'll be buying good computer viruses to cure from free computer viruses ... * The future will be digital, so you will always have to make a choice between being 0 and 1 ... * In the future doctors and diseases will be coming from the Internet right to your body ... * In the future we'll be eating a generic food with any flavors electronically injected into our brains ... * In the future people will live as long as they want, but there will be a legal age limit ... * In the future university education will be embedded into human DNA before birth. * In the future people will read everybody's minds and languages will disappear ... * In the future people will be made smaller to fit on this overcrowded planet ... * In the future things will be different, but human nature will stay the same. These two will collide. All changes caused by humans are not necessarily planned by humans ...